


Are you healed or just distracted?

by amely_mns



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Hurt Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Worried Derek Morgan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24944971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amely_mns/pseuds/amely_mns
Summary: So this is my first fanfiction and I hope you like it. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.Thanks for reading
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction and I hope you like it. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.  
> Thanks for reading

Spencer Reid felt it. He‘d felt it for days now, the aching in the crock of his elbow, in need for something that would take away his pain. 

But he was clean, almost 6 months, although he still had a vial of the clear liquid he craved and a syringe in his drawer right next to his bed. It was for an emergency. He’d repeated that everyday like a mantra which would save him from falling into that dark hole he‘d been in.

After he got home from work that day he felt the urge, to just open the vial and inject the contents into his system, more than ever. Like everyday in the past week, he opened his drawer took the vial and syringe and placed them onto his coffee table. 

He sat there for almost an hour, seeing if he could resist the temptation, until his phone made a buzzing sound that had him shrugged.

Morgan. He sighed. This had become more frequent in the last weeks. Morgan had texted him at almost midnight, asking if he wanted to join him on a beer or just for a walk outside. Spencer had come up with some good excuses but he knew that eventually he had to talk to Morgan because he wouldn‘t let that go until Spencer had talked to him.

After not answering to Morgan‘s text his phone started vibrating again, now he was calling. Great. 

„Morgan, it is after midnight, what do you want?“ 

„I just wanted to know if you‘re okay, the case has been pretty tough.“ Morgan‘s voice was full of concern.

„Yeah i‘m alright, just tired.“ Spencer was trembling, he tried focusing on Morgan but the vial on his coffee table took all of his attention.

„Reid, you still there?“ Morgan asked and Spencer needed a moment to come back to reality and to stop thinking about how easy it would be to get high right now.

„Yeah..I.. I just need some sleep. See you tomorrow.” after he said that Spencer immediately ended the call. 

He let out a deep breath after he put his phone away, his thoughts went back to the vial of dilaudid which was still sitting on his coffee table.

After another half an hour he got up, putting the vial and syringe back into his drawer. He got changed and then went directly to bed, he fell asleep pretty soon but his dreams were going into a horrible direction.

The case they had just finished left the team with four dead girls and their broken parents, although they found the UnSub the girls remained dead. He saw them in his sleep, asking him why he couldn’t identify the monster sooner, why he let them die, why he was still there, when they weren’t.

He jerked awake, taking a look at the clock. 2:37 a.m. Spencer knew sleep wasn’t an option for that night anymore, so he got up. After trying to calm his breathing down he made himself a cup of coffee and sat down in the living room. 

As he took a look around the room he saw his gun laying on top of his messenger bag. After a few sips of coffee Spencer eventually got up and took the loaded gun into his hands. It would be so easy to end all of this. But he couldn’t, he needed to look after his Mom, he needed to help his team, he needed to help other people, because he didn’t know how to help himself. 

After many moments of debating what he would do now he took the bullets out of his gun. Spencer now put the bullets and his gun separated into his messenger bag. 

He made his way to his drawer and took the vial and syringe out of it, placing them like everyday onto his coffee table.

Spencer was feeling awful, like he couldn’t breathe. He just wanted to be numb again and it would be so easy but he couldn’t, so he grabbed his phone and dialed Morgan’s number.

„Reid? What’s going on?” Morgan’s voice was nothing more than a sleepy quite sound. 

„I’m sorry but I thing I need your help.. can you come over? Please..” Spencer was shaking.

„Yeah of course, I’ll be there in fifteen.” and with that the call ended.

After realising what he had done he quickly got up, took the vial and syringe and hid them in his bedroom drawer. Then he closed the door behind him and went to the sink to do the dishes before Morgan got there.

A knocking on the door made Spencer slip back to reality, he dropped the mug he was just cleaning in the sink and went to open his front door. 

„Spencer are you alright?” Morgan pulled him into a hug.

„I don’t know..I don’t want to be alone right now..” Spencer gave him a small smile.

„You want something to drink?” Spencer asked, trying to change the subject.

„Yeah what do you got?“ Morgan sat down on his couch. 

„Beer or Juice?” It was odd that he even had alcohol at home, when he’d overcome his problem 6 months ago he was told that even alcohol could make him relapse.

But Spencer wasn’t a big drinker, never had been. So a few weeks ago he bought a few bottles of beer just because he liked the taste and even something not as strong as his old drug of choice made him relax a bit.

He handed Derek a bottle and then grabbed one for himself, Derek frowned. 

“Since when are you drinking again?”

“A few weeks.. It’s just beer, you know.” Spencer took a sip from his bottle.

“Alright, as long as you don‘t over do it.” Derek was now even more worried.

„Morgan, I‘m going to meetings every two weeks, almost got half a year. I just couldn’t sleep because of the case. I‘m sorry, I don’t want you to worry about me.“ 

„Spencer, it‘s good that you called, I think neither of us should be alone tonight.“

And so they sat in Spencer‘s living room, even though they weren‘t talking Spencer was still feeling better knowing that he wasn‘t alone.


	2. T W O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took me so long to update this, i hope you enjoy it though.

After what felt like hours Morgan was startled awake by the buzzing sound of his phone.  
He opened his eyes and looked around, he was still in Spencer‘s Apartment but Spencer was nowhere to be seen.  
He looked at his phone and noticed three missed calls from Hotch. Finally he got up and called the other man back.

„Morgan, we‘ve got a new case and we need to leave as soon as possible.“ he sounded tired.

„Alright, we‘ll be there soon.“

„We? Where are you anyways?“

„At Reid‘s, I‘m gonna go get him and then we are coming. See you then.“

„See you later.“ And with that the call ended.

„Reid?“ Morgan walked around the apartment but didn‘t see Spencer.

As Morgan walked back into the kitchen he noticed a small note on the coffee table.

Went out for a run.  
I‘ll be back soon.

Great. Morgan thought, they have a important case and Reid is nowhere to be found.   
He tried calling Reid two times, before he noticed that his phone was lying on the kitchen counter.   
Just as he was writing Spencer a note the front door of the apartment opened and Spencer came in. He really did look awful, sweaty and messy and not really there. 

„Hey, what are you doing up?“ Spencer asked. „I could ask you the same thing, we‘ve got a new case and we need to hurry.“ Morgan said and looked at Spencer worriedly, it was 4:05 in the morning and the kid decided that that was the right time for a run?! 

„You can already go to the office, I just need to shower and collect all my stuff, I‘ll be there in 30.“ Spencer said quickly and shoved Morgan out of his flat.

Derek looked at him confused but said nothing and made his way to the BAU. 

As soon as Spencer was sure that Morgan had left, he took the dilaudid and two syringes out of his drawer and put them in the inside-pocket of his go bag. He picked up the bullets and put them back into his gun before showering. 

When he came out of the shower, his thoughts began running a thousand miles an hour again and he wanted to make it stop, on his drive to the office he tried thinking about work and how to be more productive but his mind kept thinking about the vial of dilaudid which was so close to him.  
When Spencer arrived at the Bureau he was happy that no one commented anything about his late appearance. He sat down and tried listening to what JJ was saying about their new unsub. The more he tried focusing on her words the more tired he got, Spencer tried to remember the last time he‘d slept more than 4 hours in a night.

„Wheels up in 20.“ As soon as these words left the mouth of Hotch he snapped back into reality.

Just as Spencer walked out of the conference room, Morgan blocked his way and scanned his entire appearance. „Kid, I think we need to talk.“

As those words left Derek Morgan’s mouth all Spencer wanted to do was run, go back to his apartment and hide until he didn‘t feel the urge to inject something into his system that would make him feel better. Of course he knew that the Dilaudid just numbed everything and that he actually wouldn‘t be happy because that could make him lose his job - and that, that would drive him insane. 

But he was already going insane, wasn‘t he? Spencer couldn‘t stop his mind and the thoughts that were in his head at all times.. that was driving him crazy. Not the drugs, they were making it better - when he was high, he could deal better with all of it, the death, the torture and cruelness of the world.

„What is there to talk about?“ he asked Morgan.

„First of: You look like hell, you can‘t concentrate on the job, you‘re barely getting any sleep and if I wouldn’t know it better I’d say you’re using again.” Morgan spit out as Spencer tried not to look too offended by his words.

„I’m not sleeping very well - alright but I’m fine, I probably just need a few days off and I’ll be back to normal.”

„Are you using again?” Morgan asked looking him directly in the eyes.

As Spencer tried to avoid Morgan’s focusing look the older agent closed the door behind them.

Now they were completely alone and no one outside the conference room would hear a word they said.

„I’m not.” Spencer said quietly.

„You can talk to me, you know?”

„Yeah, but I’m fine - could we go catch the plane now?”


End file.
